Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Wed Jan 26, 2005 at 11:27:59 pm EST
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Three Families, Part Eight
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Three Families, Part Eight



Previously: The Kumoyabun is about to eat Hatman, Glory, Nats, and Kerry. Dayu Ariyoshi, waka-gashira of the Yakuza Spider Clan, is about to kill Visionary and Artemis.


The webs of the Kumoyabun were flame-proof, even to fires that could only be described as improbable.

Kerry Shepherdson struggled in her cocoon, its silken cords smoldering as they resisted the young girl’s power. She flinched as the giant loomed over her, mandibles mere inches from her face.

“Dude… have a mint,” Kerry muttered weakly.

The Kumoyabun could not translate the young pyromaniac’s dig, but by her tone it could tell she was being disrespectful, “I think I will keep you alive. Nama is ready to breed, and you are a deserving host for her eggs.”

As the chieftain of the Yakuza Spider Clan concluded his cryptic threat it caught a glimpse of color in its peripheral vision. A man, clad in a gaudy uniform, bounded from roof-top to roof-top towards the melee.

“Ah,” the Kumoyabun rose to its full height and faced the newcomer’s charge, “Another superhero.”

Mr. Epitome landed on the roof and engaged the monster. He ducked under one of its strikes and connected with a series of jabs to its midsection. The Paragon of Power then threw a devastating uppercut that sent the Kumoyabun soaring off the roof of the skyscraper.

“Mr. Reed,” he called to Nats as he unstrapped and removed his cowl, “I think it would be good tactics if you helped Mr. Boaz with this.”

Epitome tossed the leather mask in the general direction of the Flying Phenomenon. Though he, Hatman, and Glory were still bound together by the Kumoyabun’s web, Nats snagged it with his telekinesis and set it atop Jay’s head.

“Good idea,” Hatman said once he donned his team mate’s cowl. He added his new strength to Glory’s and Nats’s efforts and tore through their restraints.

The Star Spangled Splendor was not on the roof to accept the compliment. He had dived over the side of the hotel to continue his assault on the Kumoyabun.

Hatman removed Dominic’s skullcap. Jay found the jumble of stimuli that accompanied it unnerving. Instead, he scooped up his Rockets cap and took flight once again, “Nats, see if you and Glory can free Kerry. I’m going to help Epitome.”

*****


Dayu sneered at Visionary after the possibly fake man had biffed a small red ball off his head, “You fight me with a toy?!” The yakuza drew his Glock, “This is no toy.”

Visionary had had enough guns pointed at him to be cognizant of that fact. But he knew something else, something Dayu did not.

“I choose you… Squirtle,” Visionary shouted with more than just a hint of embarrassment.

The red ball cracked open and emitted a brief flash of energy from which the aforementioned creature appeared.

As Dayu gaped in bemusement the tortoise-like let forth a geyser of water, knocking him back and into a street light. The yakuza was doused with a second blast, providing Vizh with the cover he needed to rush over and pull Artemis free from the overturned car.

“Is that… what I think it is?” Charlotte asked.

“Leftover ordinance from the ‘International Incident’,” was how Visionary explained the hydrokinetic turtle. He fished another ball from his coat pocket, “Stay out of the puddles. I’m about to finish this.”

Another manga-inspired monster was chosen, one that definitely did not mix well with water.

“Pika! Pika!!”

One incredibly powerful burst of static electricity later and Dayu, feared children’s boss of the Yakuza Spider Clan, lay twitching in the street.

“You saved me with Pokemon,” Artemis mused while leaning on Visionary’s shoulder, “That is so cool.”

“Really? You think so?”

“Yow! What are those freaky ugly things?” was how Kerry labeled the pocket monsters as she and Glory drifted downwards in the grasp of Nats’s telekinesis.

Visionary suddenly remembered the two young ladies were supposed to be sequestered at the mansion, “What are you doing here? I thought I told you-“

“We’re helping out. You think your dorky pets would have stood a chance against that giant spider guy?”

Visionary’s exasperation changed to confusion, “What giant spider guy?”

*****


On the other side of the Gizei Pagoda Hotel, Mr. Epitome was well aware of the answer to Visionary’s question.

He caught the Kumoyabun as the beast tried to scuttle back up the side of the building. Epitome tucked, rolled, and crashed into his opponent’s head, feet first, snapping off one of its fangs.

The Kumoyabun hissed. It grabbed Epitome and hurled him through the hotel wall. The Paragon of Power smashed through several rooms coming to a halt just in time to roll clear from another attack by the Kumoyabun.

“Die!” the spider-human hybrid howled as it tore huge gouges in the carpet with its claws.

Epitome spun on his back and kicked out the Kumoyabun’s legs. Then, once the creature was prone he drove his heel into its neck. As his foe gagged from the pain of a crushed larynx Dominic went to work on the creature’s eyes and temples. After a few punches he succeeded in driving the Kumoyabun down three floors.

“I’m not a superhero,” Mr. Epitome corrected the Kumoyabun’s earlier assumption in flawless Japanese, “Yield, or die.”

The Kumoyaban spat an ineffective blob of venom at Epitome, who countered with a devastating spin kick and a second vow.

“Then, once I’m done with you, I’ll kill your ‘children.’ Every last one.”

That threat seemed to affect the Kumoyabun. It paused, and, after a moment, slumped its shoulders. Coughing up more venom, the spider creature went down to one knee.

“Epitome!” Hatman rocketed downward to the conflict, “Is he surrendering?”

“Yes. Fight’s over,” the Paragon of Power spoke to the Kumoyabun in Japanese, and the creature laid on its belly and weaved its hands behind its neck.

“Good. I’m going to contact SPUD and see if they have something to restrain the prisoner. Then we need to have a talk.”

*****


Vizh watched the ninja squad shoot up the giant electric mouse with several rounds of tranq darts, “Is that really necessary?”

“Yes, sir. These things can get real ornery when you try to return them to their balls.”

Another detachment of Akiko’s assassins used riot shields and lassoes to subdue the rogue Squirtle.

“You have a pair of fractures in your fibula, one in your tibia, in addition to the broken phalanges and metatarsals,” Epitome turned off his X-ray Vision and looked Artemis in the eye, “The pain must be excruciating.”

Charlotte leaned back on the curb and winced, “It is, so thanks for bringing it up.”

The Paragon of Power stood and watched several SPUD agents lead a severely shackled Kumoyabun into a transport van. A smaller clutch of armed men hustled Dayu and the wakashu into another.

“They going to the Safe,?” Artemis asked.

“For now. I’m sure the Japanese government will want to extradite the clan. There is a long list of charges pending. We need to decide what to do about your situation.”

The young woman looked over to where Visionary and Kerry were having their argument, “Aren’t I in custody?”

“Yes. But there are ways around that.”

“Ways that involve the Legion, right?”

Epitome nodded, “They have considerable clout within the legal system.”

“But you don’t want that, do you?” Artemis asked, “You never even wanted them to know about me.”

“It is your decision to make. What I want doesn’t really matter,” was all the time it took Epitome to put Charlotte’s leg in a splint.

She searched her mentor’s face for any clue as to why he distrusted the Legion so. It seemed so needlessly paranoid to leave them out of this.

“I guess I’m under arrest then,” she shrugged.

“I guess you are,” Dominic agreed before bending down to wrap his arm around her shoulders. He lifted Charlotte to her feet and began to take her to one of the waiting OPS vehicles.

“I’m very proud of you,” he whispered.

Charlotte smiled and nodded. She wondered, though, if Dominic would have felt that way if she had made a different choice.

*****


Visionary folded his arms and passed judgment, “You’re grounded. Two weeks.”

“Oh, please,” Kerry snorted as she tried to brush the cobwebs from her hair.

“You want to try for three?!”

“Who are you kidding? Do you really want a bored, angry pyromaniac cooped up in the Condo for three weeks straight?”

Vizh considered, “A week and a half. Plus, there will be chores. Hard ones, involving verbs like ‘scrubbing’ and ‘mucking.’”

“Mucking?”

“Yes, plenty of mucking. Any er, thing that needs to be mucked will be mucked. By you.”

“I don’t think you even know what the word means. You just like to say muck,” Kerry challenged.

Visionary was ready to defend the breadth of his vocabulary when Kerry’s face lost its outrage. She was looking past his shoulder, “What’s going on?”

The pair watched Mr. Epitome ease Artemis to an Office of Paranormal Security cruiser.

“Hey, uh, Wait!” Vizh hurried over to the car. As an agent held the rear door open Epitome folded the girl inside, “Where are you going?”

“I’m taking the suspect in for interrogations.”

“Suspect?! She’s your daughter!”

“She is not,” Dominic snarled. He motioned for the OPS agent to clear out, “While I appreciate the risks you have taken to help Artemis, it would be in everyone’s best interests if you walked away from this.

Visionary blinked in disbelief. Then he scowled, “No.”

The possibly fake man bent down and spoke to Artemis, “I don’t think you have to go with him. Let me call Lisa and see what she says. Then we can take you back to the Mansion and have Uhuna look at your leg.”

Charlotte smiled and reached out to take Visionary’s hand, “No, it’s OK. I’ll be fine. Thank you.”

The two shook hands slowly. Epitome waited for them to part and closed the car door.

“This isn’t over,” the former leader of the Lair Legion promised his teammate.

“Don’t I know it,” Dominic grumbled as he slid into the driver’s seat.

Next: Bowling For Closure


Footnotes:

Pokemon and the International Incident: I’ve seen a few references to the pocket monsters as pets in old Untold Tales, so I’m assuming the critters are alive and kicking in the Parodyverse. International Incident is an old Visionary story that has Japan invading the United States with a lot of anime-inspired technology, some of which Akiko must have kept and warehoused. The story, of course, is very funny stuff.







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